You can't undo your past but you can make up for the things you've done with your present and future.

Haven't blogged here in agesss.

Anyway we've stopped keeping up with blogspot for a while simply because we've been using other sites more, apologies. I'm doubtful that many of you guys still use blogspot but I'll probably start trying to keep up with your lives simply because mine is not interesting in anyway and sucks.

I take that back. I'm not looking to 2012. I've failed to get as much work done as I had planned for. Procrastinating hour by hour, day after day. I can't manage to motivate myself to drop and stop what I'm doing and start working. Yeah the most common motivator for most people would probably be this is the last year, it counts and you'd be free after your HSC, make my parents/myself proud or anything among those lines. Sometimes it feels as if nothing matters any more, not giving up or anything, It's just so troublesome.

So I've been tumblring a lot and neglected this blog. During my time on tumblr, I've always come across these corny quotes and pictures like "Text me when you think about me because I might be thinking about you too" or anything else among those lines. However I find some of these corny lines to somewhat describe what I think about too. At first my intentions when creating a Tumblr page was to put my emotions and feelings into words and just cast it away into cyberspace; however, instead I've been reblogging/posting pictures much more than I write posts. Pictures are better suited for what I try to express whenever something goes down. To be honest I'm not very good.. I'm unable to express.. It's hard for me to put my thoughts into words <<<-- Evidence right there; which is why I post pictures instead.

"A picture is worth a thousand words"

Friends come and go. The little promises we made when we trusted each other, they eventually mean nothing.

I've been in a little mess lately. There are so many assessments coming up very very soon and I haven't done much even though I'm trying my best right now. I also have my social life to think about, how I'm pretty much neglecting the people I care about, not that I mean to. I try to make time for you but like after what has happened I don't know whether I should go first or you should, taking in consideration of my assessments in a day or two, I don't know if I should be socialising so much right now.. I just wish we were on good terms.

Words hurt.


"I hate you and I never want to see you again". Who said words don't hurt? Some people may perceive it that way but what if someone you really cared about said those words to you? Would it still have no effect on you? Would you still feel as if it were a fly that landed on your shirt, so meaningless and easily ignored or easily just swatted away?

So recently there has been a case where there was a minor misunderstanding which led to a dispute which caused two very close people to have a major conflict. How do the end results look? Both have stopped talking in all aspects; the generalised social link of society today (facebook), has been cut and both respective persons blocked from each other. It's understandable when people say that words don't hurt but if you really gave it a little more thought; why do people get angry when someone else makes a statement about them?
The quote "sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me", I was taught that in primary school; I remember when I had to go to Birrong public school for some special tutoring thing because I did so bad in one of my tests. On that very day I head the same thing, "sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me" although at the time I didn't give it much thought. Sticks + Stones: both physical, both can be used as weapons; they hurt if you're struck by any of them. Words: hmmm sound? air? sound in air? That made much sense to me so yeah words don't hurt.

What I was unable to perceive back then was later easily overcome once I my later years, year 5 or 6 all the way till this very day. Words do hurt, despite whose lips they're coming from. Some body you hate; what they say about you will still get to you no matter how much you ignore it. So long as you hear it; from the person themselves or from a secondary source, if you believe it, it will hurt.

Ever since year 6 and high school, there have always been cases of bullying, harassment and the sort. We've all seen it, heard it or been the victim before, we know how it feels to get hurt physically whether punched in the arm, pushed over or overpowered in any aspect. We know how it feels to stare into someone's eyes as they say something like "You're stupid", "You're ugly", "Nobody likes you", "Go die in a hole"; you know that sort of stuff.

It doesn't matter who says it, it will still make you feel something. It might not hurt physically but 'words will harm me' emotionally. Sometimes I tend to think that I'd rather go through physical pain than emotional pain. It makes you wonder which is worse, which is more difficult to bare with. Having someone stab you in the arm or stomach or watching somebody you care about leave you, say die or just stab you in the back just like that. Which would be the preferred scenario? Which will hurt more? I mean a stab in the stomach, ok, you get sent to hospital, you get patched up and you'll be discharged by next week but having someone apart of your life, playing an important role to make you feel this way, play you, betray you or leave you, in my opinion that hurts so much more. Not only for the time being but sometimes it even leaves a scar, not on your body but in your heart.

You don't know anything so go die in a hole and Go delete some more people to you. And then spend time talking to them Crying about shit." - (That)

Tbh when I was single, I never thought about being in a relationship. I had my crushes and all but all I thought of it was oh I like them. If they liked me back, great! What I didn't think about was what happens when we like each other, do we just keep on liking each other or does something happen. Thinking back to the past and to what I used to be like, when I thought I knew more than enough, the thought of you, at this current stage; you probably think there's nothing else more which you can learn but there is. When I was in year 6 I thought to myself 'wow I'm old, I pretty much know everything :D'. Same thing happened in year 9; through experience I always think that there's nothing more to learn, I'm the best as I can be but as time progresses I just keep on learning new things.
I forgot how it was like being single, probably think about people and just the idea of liking them; usually if the person likes you back it's much more complicated. Whenever you have a crush on someone you would want them to like you back instinctively but have you thought about what that leads to? A relationship. Are you ready for one? Yes no, I don't know? Well that pretty much defeats the whole crush thing because as previously mentioned you want them to like you back but what if you're not ready?

Are you going to say "Oh I like you a lot and it's great that you like me too but I'm not ready for a relationship.." Hmmmm so you just stay single and keep on liking each other?

So many things in life have a variety of outcomes; pssht life is just bullshit.

So yesterday after period 3, Andrew Nicholas and I went to Birrong pools to swim. Our goal was at least 1 kilometre which Andrew and I have been achieving since last week. All was well until my 350th metre. You guessed it, cramp. You know when you swim right? You would usually feel the cramp coming but for me, it came without warning. Everything felt normal and it suddenly appeared on my calf muscles, probably because I kicked too hard. That time, I was halfway through the 50 metre pool. So yeah Nick helped me get out of the pool but by the time I got out, the camp pain was gone as my muscle was tensed too long so the actual cramp itself felt normal. Since then I wasn't able to finish off my 650 metres and I wasn't able to swim since then. I've stretched it out so many times but the feeling is still there. It doesn't feel like a cramp but it feels as if the muscle is just strained. Hoping that it'll go soon since I'm meant to go on Friday again.

You once said that you never wanted to get to that stage 'Getting comfortable'; It was from some youtube video which I no longer remember the name of; The five stages in a relationship? Maybe something among those lines. Anyway with me, I'm never certain about things, my opinions and thoughts constantly change and nothing is stable around me. I told you that we would never get that stage but look whose really comfortable now? You leave when you want, you say what you want and probably don't even consider what I thought of it. What you feared most, you've become. Comfortable.. Hey, I do feel a sense of comfort around you but I guess in respect to the video, it's a different type. I feel that I can tell you anything, talk about anything and be who I am and not have to act a certain way around you, that's my sense of comfortableness (if that makes any sense). You ask me, "Do you want me to treat you the same as everybody else?" You obviously know the answer, I could say no or yes but hey, sometimes I do, because you it seems as if you're too comfortable with our situation to realise that you're speaking to me in a way that hurts me or treating me as someone of a lesser priority than others. Wasn't I meant to be a more important part of your life?
The comfortableness has become an issue, you, maybe, we, are too comfortable, you can tell me what you think of it when ever. I just dislike the fact that we spoke about this and we tried to avoid it, you brought it up, how you didn't want things to be like this, but now aren't we 'comfortable'? For those who haven't watched the video I'm rambling on about, I'll try to name the 5 stages but I'll focus on the topic.
1. Strangers
2. Getting to know each other
3. Together
4. Comfortable
5. Strangers again.

On with 4; comfortable. This is when you get used to your status, you take each other for granted. The example in the film was when the girl called the guy to ask him for something, I don't exactly remember but He was just there playing games and he replied with a "later". The next scene is set later on, it shows the girl with her friends. The guy calls to ask if she wants to go out for dinner tonight, she says that she is busy with her friends.

This may not  be the case for every relationship but from experience, once you have a great affection of great feelings for somebody, you'd make the time, you'd give up the time and you'd actually stop doing things and make the effort to go out and see them. That's how things usually are when the relationship is kind of new.

As you get comfortable, you start to careless, you know that the other person will be there at the end of the day so you tend to care less. In relation to what I was talking about, don't think that I don't feel neglected, I try to treat you the way I always have, make the time for you, I know I'm not always there for you and I can't always make it to see you but If I could, I would. Parents are such a huge barrier when it comes to relationships, esp if they don't know about it but I'll blog about that some other time. I won't always be around. Things happen, some expected, some unexpected. I just want you to know that our actions have consequences. I could treat you like shit and you'd walk away and I'd sit there senselessly beating myself up inside but in the end, It's always because of one thoughtless action.

Guys, whoever still reads this awesome majestic blog, don't take your friends or family or whoever else for granted just because you know that they will still be your friend. Shit happens.

I'm testing you. You didn't notice, did you?

You may think that sometimes I'm being too hard on you because I push you away or reject you but maybe it's because I want you to say something or stick around. It's my way of testing you whether you're worth my time. It's how I figure out if you're actually someone I can count on. So easily enough, anyone could say, 'you can talk to me' but did you ever question whether that person meant it or not? Yeah, well maybe it's just me but I sometimes doubt whether someone really cares or not. Have you not questioned why some random you never/hardly ever talk to came up to you and asked if you were okay? That's where I'm getting at. They're either asking you because they're either,

It's tough finding the 'perfect' person to talk or rant to. They might notice your 'depressing' status and ask if you're okay, but really, are you going to tell them your entire story? I'm not one to tell people outside my 'comfortable friend' zone about my problems unless I actually see something more in the friendship. I just think I find difficulty in trusting people and I've realised that in a way, I test people. Subconsciously of course. Not the literal meaning of of 'test' where you actually sit down and take a test but like, I test them by saying certain things and observing their responses to it. I test them by saying I don't want to talk about it or whatever, but I guess it's just my way or seeing if they care enough to stick around. It's odd I guess, but that's how I've found myself to deal with such issues.

POKEMON ASTROLOGY SIGNS.
Vulpix - You are very energetic, courageous and quick witted! You love attention. However, you might find yourself being impulsive and impatient, and possibly be a little bit selfish.

Growlithe - You are patient, reliable, loyal and very determined to achieve your goals. Be careful of becoming possessive, self-indulgent or greedy, though.

Eevee - You’re very adaptive of any environment you happen to find yourself in. You’re also very intellectual and witty. However, a cunning person like you might find themselves being nervous, tense and afraid of imperfection.

Mew - You’re a sympathetic person, so you may find that other people’s joys and sorrows become your own. You’re also cautious, and can be very protective of those close to you. You may have a habit of being overemotional or moody, and you probably find it hard to leg go of things you love.

Wigglytuff - You’re probably the most generous and warmhearted person you know. Your enthusiasm causes people to like being around you. You’re faithful, and very loving. However, you might find yourself becoming bossy and patronizing without noticing.

Dragonair - You are a pretty modest person, right? And shy, as well. You’re a very good listener, and very diligent, too! You’re incredibly intelligent and analytical. On the downside, you might find yourself worrying about many things, including not being perfect. You also may come across as harsh sometimes, intentional or not.

Persian - You have a lot of charm. You’re a very easy going person, and you’re very sociable. You might even be called a flirt! You’re also quite changeable, or easily influenced, so be careful who you hang out with. Try your best to make your own decisions.

Pikachu - When you know what you want, you’re determined to get it and can be very forceful about it. You’re very passionate about many things. People are drawn to you because of your exciting, electric personality. You may have a habit of becoming jealous or resentful, though, and you can also be very secretive.

Clefairy - You are definitely an optimist. You enjoy the feeling of being free, and don’t let heavy emotions weigh you down. You’re a very honest and straightforward person. Sometimes, though, your optimism blinds you from the truth, and causes you to be careless and irresponsible.

Haunter - You’re a very practical person, and also very disciplined. People may look up to you for that. You’re also very humorous- on purpose or simply by accident! However, you may tend to be very pessimistic and judgmental. Lighten up!

Bulbasaur - You are very friendly, honest and loyal. You’re very good at using your imagination, and have many original thoughts. You’re also very good at being independent- you probably prefer to be alone in a lot of your free time. You’re not very emotional, though, and you tend to be unpredictable. Don’t be afraid to show your emotions.

Lapras - You’re very sensitive to the world around you. You try your best to be kind to others, and help out as much as you possibly can. You rarely worry about your own needs- you’re happy as long as the ones you care about are. However, you’re very idealistic, and feel let down when things don’t go as planned. You may also be easily led.

You know, I shouldn't offer my time so easily. I used to think I was worth your time but it seems like whenever you find the opportunity to escape, you do. It feels as if I no longer matter to you so much and that I'm just easily discarded and whenever and if you ever do feel like talking again, you'd just pick me up from the trash can until you find better things to do again. It's weird how a few days can do such weird things to me. I feel as if either you've changed or I'm changing. It has been getting to me a lot; but if you act like you don't care then frankly, I don't know what will happen, right now, I'm just feeling as if you don't need me so that is why I test you. I never want to assume, when I sense something is up, or something seems different, I'd test you to see if my gut feeling was correct. Thanks for telling me to stay. I actually tell you things and when I'm serious I know you can tell. Like earlier today. You just walked away, fine.
When I told you not to do this because I wanted to connect and talk with you because right now it's the only thing that makes me feel better and happy; you deliberately go against me and you don't even say jokes; you just leave it then and there. You've obviously got better things to do and you know what? What gets to me is that you know exactly how I feel and how I think when things happen. You don't make the effort any more, that's why it seems as if I don't make the effort. The fact that I actually try to make things simpler for you, I try to treat you the best I can; it's hard caring for two people you know? For you and me. When people are hurt, their first instinct is to deal with their own injury; I tried to change it, and it did work, despite how hard it was for me, I still felt for you and I let my pain go and instead focused on you. You meant that much to me. I know it seems like I care about everyone and I'm nice to everyone but guess what; I'm actually not that simple. I don't just care for anyone that's on my good side, there's a difference between treating people nicely and actually giving up my time and effort for someone that I do not want to lose or see, hurt.

I've got my own shit to do too you know and if I'm even bothered to talk to you when I'm busy as hell, listen to you and try to continue a conversation then you should feel special; because you are, to me.

How would you even begin bringing up how much you missed someone's presence? These feelings and thoughts just randomly occur and it seems almost too odd to bring up when you're talking to that person. Sometimes you'd just sit around occupied with your own business, not really thinking about it but it's still lurking around in your subconscious; once you're finished with whatever you were earlier occupied with, this senseless emotion slowly spreads throughout your body, as if you're missing something or feeling perhaps a little empty on the inside.. Nevermind, i forgot why i posted this, I guess I just find it hard bringing things up since it seems too random. sleep time..

Things changed, I don't know when I started realising how scary it would be up high or dangerous it was having considered the possibility of falling. One day I would like to overcome that fear, I want to go to a high up place and look down at the 'world'.

I didn't even know you one bit when I first met you yet I still made the effort each day to talk to you and include you. When the opportunity for an outing came up, I even made sure I invited you, and what did I get back? A lot of shit. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you? Everyone tries so hard to include you in things, and so many times, people have told me to give up because you wouldn't change but I kept trying. Now I finally realise how much time I wasted even talking to you. When I enforce things on people, I don't expect them to have to do it, but if they wanted, just politely decline? What do you do? 'Just fuck off.' Fucker, obviously you're not worth my time.

So instead of doing homework as I had planned, I decided to hope on Facebook to check the news feed. Then I came across this: 2011 미스테리 단편 :: 네이버 만화 . Yeah It's Korean but the comic is in English, we're all able to read it. I didn't think it'd have a great effect on me but  as I scrolled down and read the story, I was scared shitless. But after a few seconds, I started laughing at myself and well yeah, It's worth reading guys, word of warning, if you're scared easily, turn off your volume :) It helps.

So recently, Person A has been in a situation where something quite serious happened to them but they're finding it quite difficult to notify their parents of the incident. Quite often they've had to either avoid bringing it up or perhaps even lie about the whole story.

 The thing with lying is, sometimes people lie for a good reason? Usually lying would always be categorized as a bad deed but think of it this way. Someone who has family issues would probably tell a lie to avoid facing the situation. Their parents might be really sensitive so they'd probably lie for the mean time and wait for the right time to tell the truth, I mean the truth hurts and sometimes lying is the best alternative, depending on the situation.

Talking about lying, I'd always say people deserve to know the truth. Hypothetically or not, think of a really protective mother who always calls their child to confirm where they are, who they are with and what time they would get home, in which method of transport. A mother who would always force their child to be home before dark just because it's 'unsafe'. That's probably every asian mother out there haha. Well any ways, think about this. The same mother, is a single mum and has her own children to look after. Let's just say she is jobless, always worrying about money, trying to feed her kids. Don't you think that's a lot of stress for 1 person? How about paying for the bills, not to mention the up coming school feels. Yeah. Well anyway, back to the point. If something did happen person A which put their life in danger, do you think they should tell their mum/parents? Knowing how much she stresses over things, how she makes a big deal out of everything; likely, not.

Yeah and that was over a toy. Small lies can lead to great consequences like I said above.

So when you think about lying, think about the consequences and you better have a good reason, in most cases, don't lie at all, It's usually better to tell the truth, this would most likely keep the punishment to a minimum.

So I set an alarm for 8am today but I woke up at 10:30 discovering that my mum had changed it to 11. I got ready and decided to head to Canterbury. After stopping at Yagoona, I bumped into Roxanne who was heading to tutor in the city. It was quite awkward because it was quite random and sudden. After calling nick and making my way to the rink, I didn't feel like skating any more, watching all these pros just gliding across the rink. It was kinda similar to rollerblading except on ice. Overall, today was quite enjoyable, watching lynda fall over all the time, matthew.. omg he can so dance on ice! Wish we recorded it, it was epic. Just glad that i didn't fall, looked really painful watching people fall and just sliding across the ice.
   
  After skating, we decided to go to Bankstown to have lunch which was okay. Afterwards, the girls went to morning glory and the guys waited outside, we decided to go in and look around. Unfortunately, Matthew, Ethan and I were dragged in when the girls were taking caps? so yeah.. that's about it. I planned to go to the library afterwards but I missed the train to Chester Hill.

Is there really a fate or a destiny? I feel as if I've been living a lie or as if I have never been myself. I don't know where this idea came from but I guess It's when I look at my life and come to a conclusion of how crap it is or how much I despise it.

So I don't exactly know how to start blogging again after having not posted anything in perhaps a week. Just a brief summary of how my first week went.

Saturday: Think I just stayed home to celebrate my first day of holidays.
Sunday: New tutor at UTS for three hours.
Monday: Chemistry tutor at Strathfield with Denise.
Tuesday: Chemistry tutor at Strathfield with Denise.
Wednesday: Chemistry tutor at Strathfield with Denise.

Thursday: Night outing with the non cruise people in the city. Nick, Kwo, Bill, Winnie, James and I all went to karaoke for the first hour which seemed to have gone by fairly quick. After that one hour, we made our way to Pancakes on the Rocks. To be honest, that was my first time there so I had no idea what to expect though I've heard it so many times now. We ordered drinks, three main meals and ended with a dessert, in which I excluded myself from. We spent our time there eating, talking and filming each other. Yeah, seemed weird and it was probably irritating for the people who were waiting in cue. In the end, we exceeded the $100 mark and achieved an awesome $123.45 for our meal.
After Pancakes, we walked around for a bit trying to find a place to play pool and in that time, we played around in the fountains, though I was the only one who actually got drenched in water. I don't know how I could have gotten so wet though, I swear I was only in there for 5-10 seconds. Haha, well anyway, I regretted that quite a bit, since I forgot how could things could be with the cold breeze that night. Might I also add how uncomfortable it was for me to be walking around in my wet jeans. Thank goodness that later dried up a little when we went to play pool. Again, this was my first time too. We formed two groups of three. I had Winnie and Bill in my group. Man, I gotta say how pro they are. If it wasn't for them, we probably wouldn't have won the two games we did. I don't know why they kept saying I was going well when I actually sucked. Out of the whole three games we played, I only got a few in.
Anyway, after thaaaat,  we decided to go to Lidcombe for our night feast at Maccas and man, there was so much food than I actually ordered, cause like the people there gave us someone else's order as well as ours. So instead of two bags, James and I got three bags of food. Around that time, I was feeling pretty good that my clothes had dried up. We finished our night there and after, everyone went home.

Friday: Italian tutor at Burwood Library.

Saturday: Tic Tic II Tour with James at Sydney Town Hall. It was pretty awesome going to my second concert. Only difference was that this was actually 10 times better than the Justin Bieber concert cause Poreotics were going to be there. We lined up at 3:50pm ish and at that time, the line was already pretty long so James and I just chilled there for a bit until some people started to call for VIP people. We had VIP seating so they then directed us to the other side where another huge line was formed behind the 'Meet and Greet' people. I wasn't sure I was in the right place, so I was quite glad when I started talking to the people behind me. They were here to see Poreotics like we were, AND they were a big Dumbo fan.

But for now, whooooa, I never though I would have ever been able to see them in real life. I wish I was able to get their jumper, but yeah, I was kinda broke after having spent it all. I WILL get their jumper one day! Other than being able to scream his name with my broken sore voice, I was also lucky enough to see Can shirtless as he was getting changed off stage.. So anyway, I went home that night with the biggest sore throat, and I woke up the next morning feeling quite nostalgic about the night before, but also quite ILL, since I found that I wasn't able to speak properly. I sounded so hoarse, it was terrible. And now, two days after, do I still feel shit as. I have a sore body, blocked nose which I have to keep blowing on and a sore dry throat. Seems that I was only awake for a few hours today due to my excessive illness.

Sunday: Tutor at UTS for two hours.

Monday: Slept till 3pm, woke up, ate, and then went back to sleep at 4:30pm. I'm now awake just so I could clean my room and get up to date with the real world again. Urgh, I feel so shit.

So anyway, if you read through ALL of that, I applaud you. See you all on the sunny side!

The truth is sometimes we take people for granted, sometimes we forget that there are actually people who are sitting around waiting for us. When you grow an attachment with somebody, you've just led yourself to your own downfall. Getting attached to someone is a very easy thing to do but letting go isn't. People who give up their time for you, you should already know that, don't go around getting people attached and just leave them there, holding onto you. It's a miserable thing really because even if you didn't ask for them to get attached, you yourself must have gotten attached to someone else before. How would you like it if they didn't seem to care or give a shit about you? Your effortless responses, don't expect someone to put effort in talking to you if you don't put the same effort back because in the end, one of us will have to let go and one of us will end up alone.